learning the secrets of the illuminati…

December 28, 2009

Need to lose a few years? Open your third eye? Talk to some ghosts? Channel a spontaneous epiphany from the mystical forces of the universe? Wield the ultimate catalyst for an alchemical research project? Just reach for some orbitally rearranged monoatomic gold in the form of a white powder, just like the sinister rulers of the Illuminati, the all-powerful secret society that controls Earth from the shadows. The secrets of the gods for just $50 to $90 plus shipping and handling. Good deal, huh? Though I do wonder whether secretive and powerful societies would allow one of their secret technologies to be easily available on the web and couldn’t find any way to keep the alchemist who discovered it silent or in their employ either with plenty of cash, fringe benefits that would be either too expensive or illegal for any company on the planet, or threats on his life if necessary?

Ok, first things first. There actually is a way to do things like turn lead into gold by playing around with how the electrons and protons are arranged in atoms in particle colliders. However, this method is so impractical, it would take exponentially more money to create the amazing materials you need that than the value of what will actually be produced. Since I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet to say that none of the people who sell “monoatomic” gold powder have access to something comparable to Tevatron or the RHIC, their claims about selling the catalyst for alchemical or phase shifting technology are highly suspect by that fact alone. The second problem is the term monoatomic which typically refers to the structure of noble gases like neon, argon and xeon. And if we’re talking about inert gas, how exactly do we end up with catalytic white gold powder which physically can’t be monoatomic because it’s a solid in which trillions of atoms have to clump together into lattices? Looking at the patent filed by David Hudson, the discoverer of the magical ORM metals, we find discussions about a tiny quantity of very certain metals under very precise conditions manipulated into a gaseous form and no mention of anything supernatural or alchemical. Just something that looks passable for chemistry to a non-expert.

However, whatever legitimate research he may have done has been hijacked by online pseudoscientists who pitch it as a magical concoction that can do everything from reversing aging to giving you the ability to speak to your deceased relatives and alien spirits. It’s hard to understate how enormous of a leap they made from inert gas to omnipotent super-metal that probably gives the Illuminati their power over us. The complete lack of descriptions of how all their claims are supposed to be backed up and the fact that the Illuminati were actually a small group of disgruntled academics and progressive thinkers who never really did anything before giving up on the whole secret society idea, don’t seem to bother our alchemical conspiracists. And when it comes to selling what they call a material and spiritual panacea for the price of a book while gold fetches a record high of over $1,000 per troy ounce (just a smidgen over a regular ounce) on the global commodities market, what’s in the bottle? How could they sell a form of gold for less than a tenth of the price? And can you afford to ingest what they’ll ship to your house? Just a little something to consider before you try to harness the powers of the Illuminati via a mystical concoction you buy in the deep recess of the internet…

[ illustration by steampunk artist Myke Amend, story tip by reader Damian D. ]

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditShare on LinkedInShare on Google+Share on StumbleUpon
  • Andrea

    What a skeptic you are?! Don’t knock magic powders before you try them. Is their claim any different from any other miracle anti-aging serum, pimple degreaser, or weight loss pill? It’s like selling bibles to religious people. For every person wanting to buy a nostrum there is someone willing to sell them one. If I actually had a bag full of magic powder that I went to the trouble of stealing from the all powerful Illuminati I wouldn’t sell it, and neither would they.

  • It should be no surprise how far the Illuminati will go to gain control of the world.

    Here is a book that will detail the mind control techniques used by the illuminati to create mind control slaves.

    These are TRUE MIND CONTROL SLAVES that are being made and used for drug mules, international assassins, sex slaves, suicide bombers and secret messengers. This could be anyone, from your congressman to your cable guy.

    It is 350 pages of detail descriptions with illustrations.


  • Greg Fish

    The Illuminati were a small group of disgruntled scholars in Germany who ran the organization for maybe a decade or so and whose mere existence spawned dozen of conspiracy theories which are with us to this day. Most of the conspiracies were written by paranoid priests and theology professors and they were circulated far and wide while the Illuminati quietly disbanded.

    How could a group that’s been gone for well over 300 years try to control the world? And why would they do it with the same tactics as the CIA tried to employ during the Cold War, i.e. drugs, hypnosis, brainwashing, secret code words, and found none of them produced absolutely any effect?

  • goyimfromspace

    I had never heard of this before. If people choose to believe this I’m ok with that. More power to them. It cannot possibly top the stuff called orgone. This stuff is pretty much (hold onto your hiney, I’m about to divulge some serious super secret technology on the internetz) steel wool + terminated crystals + epoxy resin, give or take a few other pieces of scrap metal. They claim this explodes the evil alien reptilians heads as well as controls weather etc etc. This stuff was the originally the research of a Russian scientist named Wilhelm Reich. Apparently what they are selling online is nothing close to the stuff he made nor is it being used for what he intended. His story is actually a pretty good read btw. The “fake stuff” is primarily peddeled by a woman named Sherry Shriner. Do a google of orgone+Sherry Shriner. Wow is all I can say. Wow with a side of lulz. Your snarky side will not be disappointed.

  • dave

    wow,I hope the real aliens know this is fiction…..;o)

  • adeilson

    Oh my god! maybe illuminati wants something for 2012 i believe illuminati and new world order will gonna happen in this year that i’ve mentioned here in brazil our president lula has send a message for papa to bring new world order to brazil in 2009 september i’m really care with that the only thing that we can trust is jesus christ he is the only that can save your life and mine Jesus christ died for us and we don’t choose him But he loves us plizzz receive jesus as your savior,and let’s fight against illuminati