Need to lose a few years? Open your third eye? Talk to some ghosts? Channel a spontaneous epiphany from the mystical forces of the universe? Wield the ultimate catalyst for an alchemical research project? Just reach for some orbitally rearranged monoatomic gold in the form of a white powder, just like the sinister rulers of the Illuminati, the all-powerful secret society that controls Earth from the shadows. The secrets of the gods for just $50 to $90 plus shipping and handling. Good deal, huh? Though I do wonder whether secretive and powerful societies would allow one of their secret technologies to be easily available on the web and couldn’t find any way to keep the alchemist who discovered it silent or in their employ either with plenty of cash, fringe benefits that would be either too expensive or illegal for any company on the planet, or threats on his life if necessary?
Ok, first things first. There actually is a way to do things like turn lead into gold by playing around with how the electrons and protons are arranged in atoms in particle colliders. However, this method is so impractical, it would take exponentially more money to create the amazing materials you need that than the value of what will actually be produced. Since I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet to say that none of the people who sell “monoatomic” gold powder have access to something comparable to Tevatron or the RHIC, their claims about selling the catalyst for alchemical or phase shifting technology are highly suspect by that fact alone. The second problem is the term monoatomic which typically refers to the structure of noble gases like neon, argon and xeon. And if we’re talking about inert gas, how exactly do we end up with catalytic white gold powder which physically can’t be monoatomic because it’s a solid in which trillions of atoms have to clump together into lattices? Looking at the patent filed by David Hudson, the discoverer of the magical ORM metals, we find discussions about a tiny quantity of very certain metals under very precise conditions manipulated into a gaseous form and no mention of anything supernatural or alchemical. Just something that looks passable for chemistry to a non-expert.
However, whatever legitimate research he may have done has been hijacked by online pseudoscientists who pitch it as a magical concoction that can do everything from reversing aging to giving you the ability to speak to your deceased relatives and alien spirits. It’s hard to understate how enormous of a leap they made from inert gas to omnipotent super-metal that probably gives the Illuminati their power over us. The complete lack of descriptions of how all their claims are supposed to be backed up and the fact that the Illuminati were actually a small group of disgruntled academics and progressive thinkers who never really did anything before giving up on the whole secret society idea, don’t seem to bother our alchemical conspiracists. And when it comes to selling what they call a material and spiritual panacea for the price of a book while gold fetches a record high of over $1,000 per troy ounce (just a smidgen over a regular ounce) on the global commodities market, what’s in the bottle? How could they sell a form of gold for less than a tenth of the price? And can you afford to ingest what they’ll ship to your house? Just a little something to consider before you try to harness the powers of the Illuminati via a mystical concoction you buy in the deep recess of the internet…
[ illustration by steampunk artist Myke Amend, story tip by reader Damian D. ]