Archives For new world order

frosted illuminati

All the conspiracy theories around Agenda 21 are just gifts that just never stop giving. If you’ve been reading Weird Things for a while, you know about its roots as a supposed manifesto of an evil, socialist one world government trying to take over the world through environmentalism, and the subsequent paranoia about every single urban planning idea that features words like green and sustainability, with far right conspiracy theorists going out of their way to look for a threat in anything they could possibly tie to Agenda 21 and indulge in their fantasies of martyrdom in the Environmentalist Socialist Illuminati ruled society. The latest freakout mentioning the fluffy nice-to-maybe-think-about list of talking points from 1992 to be sang to the tinfoil choir? The U.N. will destroy your suburbs and make you move into a densely packed city to free up green space. If this sounds like a really far-fetched flight of the rabidly paranoid imagination that came from the rants on Glenn Beck’s version of Coast to Coast Radio, you’re right. It’s exactly what it is.

Here’s what the brouhaha is all about. Today’s urban planners are looking at how to help cities grow efficiently and they hate the suburbs, therefore, they’re suggesting less sprawl, more and better planned modular architecture, and fewer individual family homes as the best way forward for the future. And they have their reasons. Suburbs mean more roads, less farms, more waste, pollution, underutilized infrastructure and all that sprawl only makes the city bigger and frees a lot of parking space. We can certainly point to lower crime and good schools, but these are not functions of suburbs being suburbs. These are functions of taxes from high earners and smart voters who insist that their municipal governments put their hard-earned money to good use or cut the tax rate. When city planners look at cities, they’re not seeing how one’s desire for a plot of land with a single house on it really moves the overall community forward and the decline and fall of many exurbs across the nation shows that they’re not inevitable.

However, the catch is that despite not liking suburbs, city planners have no right to tell you how and where to live so if you find a plot of residential land, you can buy it and build anything you’d like on it. The city may not be happy with everything you might build, but unless you’re doing all sorts of illegal, police complaint generating things, there’s not all that much it can do even if it so badly wants to. Likewise, the U.N. has zero jurisdiction there because if every proposal it posted on the web was somehow binding or enforceable, Russia and the United States would be forced to mine asteroids and the Moon and share everything they find according to a U.N. schedule of who gets what resources around the world (see: The Moon Treaty) but because there’s nothing that can be done to enforce these ideas, following them is strictly optional. So the suburbs won’t go anywhere as long as there are people who’d like to live in them or see few options for raising their families in a more urban setting. They may shrink, but they’re unlikely to vanish, and even then it would be a case of lower demand rather than some sort of edict from above.

Just think about this, what elected government would want to tell people as fiercely individual as Americans where they could live and how? It would be a disaster and more than likely be thrown out as unconstitutional in some way, shape, or form. But then again, very few urban planners will be so radical as to level the suburbs and stick everyone in high rises. Give them a taller, slightly denser populated version of the suburbs with multi-level condominium blocks, parks, and more mixed use areas, and they’ll be happy. And again, as noted above, they have their reasons not to like sprawling McMansions as far as the eye can see, and those reasons do make sense if we consider entire cities rather than only what John Q. Public wants. Just because a document from over two decades ago says that it may be nice for cities to be more eco-friendly and sustainable in the long run, doesn’t mean that urban planners in America turned into mindless zombies from a magical power exuded by the vague bullet points and decided to demolish the nuclear family’s one plot, white picket fence home on the whim of their New World Order masters.

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reserve note

When writing Shadow Nation, those whom I asked for creative advice pretty much assumed that any story set a thousand years in the future or more has to have Earth with either a one world government or as a dystopia ruled by the principle of might makes right. You can probably see why. Virtually every piece of science fiction set in the far future defaults to one or the other, and were you inclined to conspiracy theories, you could even say that it’s almost as if the one world elites are brainwashing us into thinking that it’s either a one world government or Mad Max style chaos in the badlands in our eventual future. But realistically, a global government just makes it easier to tell stories that play out on a cosmic scale. Accounting for how 206 sovereign nations and territories will react to alien invasions or first contact would make for an interesting novel but it would also be a very tedious piece of work to execute and easy to over-complicate.

So taking the easy way out, I went with the one world government, but I wanted to do something different with the required backstory. Utopian unification as in Star Trek and consolidating world wars were both out of the question. What does that leave as a reason for nations to unite under one banner? Money. You see, states as we know them are a relatively modern invention born in the middle of the 1600s, and aided by difficulty in communicating across vast distances and the expense and logistical effort of traveling across continents. Shared history and culture would’ve also cemented the nation state. But even today, cultures cross over oceans and communication via the web is bringing people closer together, especially when they have something to trade in an age of virtual commerce and vast logistical hubs and efficient transport. There are still major differences between some cultures that will be hard to reconcile, but regional blocks are growing more and more homogeneous, especially if they start opening borders and free trade zones.

Following through, a regional trading block with free trade should also allow workers to choose jobs they can fill no matter where they live. An engineer in Taiwan should be able to get a job in India or Mongolia if that’s where the demand exceeds the supply. It’s the only way to make free trade and globalization really fair: to demolish protectionism for both goods and jobs. But after a few decades, if not centuries, of this, cultures are more homogenized and so is the population. A group of people that freely lives anywhere throughout the region, using the same money barely even needs borders and separate governments. They would need local government offices for efficient administration of public services, true. But for all intents and purposes, they’re living in one huge nation. And since the borders are now all but irrelevant, may as well save money and get rid of them because they’ll only slow down how quickly goods travel while customs agencies could be put to better use in logistical hubs. Just like that, a dozen or so countries unite.

But now there’s a problem. We have our united blocks all trading with each other, each with their own government, but they can’t just switch to a single currency and take their unification to the final level. Depending on where they are on the planet, these trading blocks would have major discrepancies in their resources and strengths. A single global currency would hobble some of these blocks while boosting others based on which block drives the policy by using its GDP. The better solution would be to allow each block to keep their currencies which arose after the entire territory was fine-tuned into the production and extraction pipelines needed for optimal economic gain. Just like today, these currencies could be traded on an open market and there would need to be international laws covering the trades and exchanges. And don’t forget that there have to be rules allowing for the mobility of workers between trading blocks as well. Now you need some sort of centralized group to manage it all, a council that would take the trading blocks’ concerns, propose new laws, and settle disputes and issues that might arise, like a WTO/IMF hybrid.

This gives us our final narrative step and leads to the book’s International Council. Not really a government as we know one, it’s more of a COO for the planet’s sprawling trading hubs housing more and more people, and growing in size for the sake of efficiency and vertical integration for countless products and services. Layers of government offices are flattened and going from a local office to a global agency takes no time at all while the impact these agencies have is much more powerful because they don’t have to pass through a bureaucratic maze since red tape will slow down trade, costing jobs and inciting popular fury at the polls. Regulation is direct and an offense doesn’t have to be reported through many layers of oversight, it can be dealt with by a local office or swiftly punished by the global government. The International Council wouldn’t set many agendas, it would merely fund competitions for new big ideas and by judged by how well it keeps the economy ticking and help companies crank out new inventions. And when it comes to alien contact, everyone would know exactly where to turn to make the necessary decisions…

[ illustration by K. J. Garbutt ]

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illuminati agent

When not crying and shilling for gold coins as some sort of super-currency which will be the only thing between certain death and survival in an economic collapse, Glenn Beck decided to write a book forecasting our dark future under the U.N.-led New World Order. Ok, not so much write a book as buy the rights to put his name on a conspiracy potboiler in which humanity has been all but decimated to protect the environment. People are imprisoned in featureless dwellings, kids are taken away form them in birth, they’re fed the equivalent of food pellets, and basically live a life that’s better described as an existence. It’s like peering into the brain of the black helicopter crowd, digging up every single nightmare they’ve ever had and making a crude Jackson Pollock painting out of them. Despite being treated as fiction, it’s very clearly supposed to be a warning about the impact of Agenda 21 when it’s implemented and used to rule the world.

Yes, here we go again with the hysterical fear of a toothless U.N. policy paper which, as noted a few times already, is just a list of suggestions that actually promotes free market capitalism and poses the issue of sustainability as an economic concern for healthy international trade. Yes, it calls for better human rights enforcement, women’s rights, and other liberal development ideas, but it’s mechanism for making sure its guidelines are implemented is to ask really nicely if some of the world’s nations would be so kind to try to implement them. This is why the Agenda 21 and black helicopter cloud insist on looking for moles in the government to stealthily force the U.S. to comply with the document. There’s no way that the U.N. can force anyone to follow it, no taxes it could levy, no military it could deploy, and no amount of money it can use as a bribe. But to find someone willing to take Agenda 21 as the blueprint for global governance is difficult at best.

If there are no consequences for not following along, you have to construct elaborate theories and layer upon layer upon layer of paranoia and backwards leaps of logic to create a cabal of sinister New World Order servants who want to destroy their nations from inside out and do the sorts of things that appear nowhere in the document that’s supposed to be their manifesto. But at the end of the day all they have is a long list of fears and allegations that have no basis in the real world and are backed up with out of context quotes, outright lies, and the ramblings of very popular talk show hosts who see a New World Order plot in everything from the mildew in their showers to a blizzard in January. Their fans, terrified of governments and chained by their own constantly fed and reinforced fears, have locked themselves in echo chambers in which they’re planning for life after the U.N.-led apocalypse, reciting the same mantras until you can hear the hoarseness in their voice through their comments on news sites.

Calls for urban planners to consider their cities’ environmental footprints as they design cities of the future — something already done by those asking for parks, playgrounds, and lakes that will welcome manageable wildlife — are taken as an Illuminati mandate for genocide and seizures of any private property that doesn’t fall within a secret spec sheet. Statements about the need for governments to root our corruption that hobbles economic development and hurts billions, very much the sort of stuff that most people often agree with as a good idea, become warnings to the world’s governments to follow the U.N.’s script or be dismantled by their secret agents. Really, when you take such a bristling attitude to toothless, vague, well-meaning suggestions and insist on twisting them into explicit threats by malevolent forces, you’re just looking for reasons to fear someone or to get angry, much like your counterparts on the far left. All so Glenn Beck can sell you some gold and Alex Jones can sell you another book or “survival kit…”

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Either that, or the tool of the New World Order to erase all anonymity and track us wherever we go as they spy on our every conversation, text, e-mail, and IM in their new data centers if you believe all the religious zealots and conspiracy theorists drawn to an otherwise unassuming article on why we should go cashless. Most of the dire warnings fall strictly into two camps, with one being "the government is out to get you," while the other is the typical "repent sinners, the Beast approaches!" spiels threatening the unbelievers. Rather than being a debate on the merits of not having to deal with bills and coins versus the risk of keeping all our money purely digital in a bank’s system, the discussion ended up as raw data for a study of how modern New World Order conspiracies bridge different ideologies, uniting seemingly disparate groups with very different beliefs under the umbrella of suspicion and mistrust of The Man. Yes, the fact of the matter is that we increasingly rely on an electronic funds exchange system. But is it some sort of nefarious scheme to be tagged, tracked, and silently enslaved by demons/aliens/bankers, engineered by their henchmen controlling banks and governments?

Of course there are risks to storing all your money digitally. Hacking and identity theft can drain bank accounts in seconds but nowadays we have mechanisms for combating that and restoring everything stolen in about a day or two. And what’s the alternative to electronic banking? Let cash just sit in the bank’s safe or pile it under your mattress for a rainy day? Will you really dive into the vault or under the bed if you need more bills? Or is it easier to just use the nearest ATM which turns your digitally stored assets into cash? According to those who believe that a cashless society would be a tool of the New World Order, cash provides anonymity and freedom from those who can track every transaction you make to figure out where you are and where you were at every minute of every day. This line of thought raises two questions with the first being what makes someone think that cash grants them true anonymity? Sure, it’s much harder to trace, but it has been done before, especially when it’s used legally, leaving a paper trail of receipts and sales numbers along the way. Plus, don’t the cash advocates in question have accounts with utility companies which send them bills? Or some sort of mortgage or rent they have to pay every month? No matter how they pay them, those interested in getting a hold of them could always use the countless paper and digital traces we leave as we go about our daily business.

If you want to be really hard for someone with access to banking and utility records to find, your best bet would be to move into an off-the-grid compound in the middle of nowhere and close every bank account, credit card, and subscription you have. You’ll also have to ditch your cell phone and internet, communicating with anybody only via public resources such as those in city libraries and recreation centers. Even then, when you show up in the same libraries and centers to make calls and check your Hushmail account, anyone looking for you will eventually get wind of what you’re doing and track you down, especially since you won’t own a car. That’s right, you can’t have a car because you have to sign for a title and register it with the DMV to get your tags. Fail to do that, and the police will pull you over for not having tags or proof that you actually own the car you’re driving. So even after going way off the grid, you can still be found unless you live like a hermit for the rest of your life if an authority of some sort is really interested in tracking you down. That brings us to our second question. Why is your persona so incredibly interesting to the New World Order? Let’s be honest here, 99.5% of us will always be more or less average people and keeping track of where we buy our groceries or how much we pay for our internet access are hardly riveting topics for a shadowy cabal that supposedly plans the fate of the world.

After all, these powerful secret rulers have to plot the direction of the global economy and the next major wars, were we to believe the conspiracy theorists. How does knowing that Jane Q. Public just filled up her car at the gas station on the corner of Main and Broadway in Wherever, SD for $43.17 and paid with her Local Bank Visa debit card help them better execute their grand strategy? As painful it may be for conspiracy theorists to admit, the probability that they’ll be actively watched by the NWO is infinitesimal because frankly, they’re just not at all interesting and their posts on ATS, Prison Planet, Whale.to, and InfoWars are not exactly all that threatening to global organizations with virtually unlimited resources. Yes, there are exceptions to this and there are ordinary people do find themselves under surveillance by a government agency for just being who they are, and in this case, no amount of cash use will help them. And they’re not under surveillance because the NWO ordered an investigation into them out of the blue, they’re under surveillance because an agency tasked with a nebulous, open-ended task like "keeping the nation safe" think this person may have links to terrorists or criminals, or a foreign spy agency. How it makes that determination and what it should or should not be allowed to do needs to be debated, but the point again is that having cash is no guarantee of anonymity and you’re almost certainly not being targeted by the New World Order just because you posted some comments or blog posts.

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earth in hands

Believe it or not, but not only is the Earth Hour Conspiracy alive and well, but it’s thriving and growing enough to start rearing its head in the news again. What exactly is this sinister plot? Why to end sovereign statehood and turn over all control to international agencies managed by the U.N. under the guise of combating climate change and promoting sustainable development. Tea Party activists and conspiracy theorists on the political right are fuming about the document they believe proves that the conspiracy theory is in fact a very plot and it’s even outlined in a publicly available document known as Agenda 21 hosted on the U.N.’s website. Yes folks, this is how comfortable the New World Order has become. Rather than conspiring in the shadows of Masonic temples to divide their ill-gotten loot and make plans to depopulate the world through vaccinations — more on the one in an upcoming post by the way — they just post their nefarious machinations on the web for the Newt Gingriches, Glenn Becks, the Rush Limbaughs to casually peruse while hyperventilating from either fear, fury, or a mix of both. But should we really kill national sovereignty goodbye and live in fear of the U.N.’s plans?

Well, you see, the lengthy exhortations of Agenda 21 call for sustainable development, women’s rights, aid to the developing world to mitigate the massive gaps between the haves and have-nots, and some rather basic conservation efforts and sustainable development. All of these are very liberal and vaguely noble goals which contain some basic guiding principles many of us can agree to be at least of some importance. Furthermore, to help pry corrupt officials in the developing world from imposing their will and crippling anti-poverty efforts routinely underway in their fiefdoms, Agenda 21 calls for expanded political roles for NGOs and charities. That would be the part that has the right wing all hot and bothered, assuming that international agencies could just waltz on down to their houses, decide that their land isn’t being used properly, take it, and do with it what they want. Maybe they’ll make a collective farm, a new branch of a bank that funnels laundered NWO money, or an insidious FEMA camp for the reeducation of those who don’t want to go along with the plan. It’s really coming together now, isn’t it, orchestrated, premeditated order out of the seeming chaos of our world, isn’t it? Why we would be at the mercy of whatever the U.N. throws at us and since the agenda was adopted in 1992, we have endured three presidents who quietly implemented this sinister anti-sovereign agenda. So, panic?

Not exactly. You see, there’s a catch to this scary, 40 chapter list of globe-spanning international ambition. It’s not legally binding. Even if you are a signatory, should you decide not to follow any of the agenda’s guidelines in practice, you’ll face absolutely no consequences. None. Funny enough, there are sections in the document promoting more balanced free trade zones and tut-tutting the kind of protectionist mercantilism that actually accounts for many jobs lost through globalization, something conservatives should be trumpeting since it would help bring back jobs to abandoned red state factories and bolster local economies. After all, this agenda implores governments to lower trade barriers and come to a reasonable balance between protecting jobs and allowing access to its markets, not regulate existing businesses into how to trade or call for more regulations. Wonder why no one in the Tea Party saw these pro-free trade, pro-market sentiments and made a note of them rather than pouring over the blue-sky foreign aid and environmental aspirations and looking for a loophole they think will let the government seize their property and sent them to re-education camps in the middle of nowhere. It’s as if they’re more concerned with justifying their fears of being purged by evil liberals rather than the matter at hand or actually taking the agenda for what it’s worth, that is, a lot of fluffy ideas kicked around for decades.

But hold on a minute, what about the supposed local-level implementations of Agenda 21? What about green city designs and new environmental codes? Allow me to answer a question with a question. Why is a city that want to be more environmentally friendly or rezone themselves necessarily following it? Because of a chapter which says that encouraging environmental friendliness is important? By that logic we can tie virtually any action to virtually any document and call conspiracy. Hell, this is exactly what conspiracy theorists do on a regular basis with their selective quote mining and using correlation as causation. Here’s an example. Once upon a time, a diplomat wrote a lengthy but vague document pondering about how one could venetually build a Eurozone-like North American Union. Sometime around that, NAFTA was adopted. Therefore, using a pinch of conspiracy logic, NAFTA must’ve been the first step in creating it. Claiming that a city trying to borrow ideas from around the world for better design and sustainability must be a sinister NWO plot because there’s a document which encourages that, is exactly the same error. And considering that we live at a time when we are so interconnected that a decision by a Chinese trade clerk about where to build a factory in his city directly impacts your job and the prices you pay for certain goods, thinking globally is actually a good thing.

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I’ve been sitting on some big news for a while but today, with all of the necessary paperwork written in a bizarre eldritch language not meant for the eyes of mere mortals signed in triplicate over a pentagram drawn with the blood of a recently sacrificed virgin — the kind who devoted a lot of time to role playing games and arguing about them on message boards, not a gorgeous young lady, relax — we’re making it official. Weird Things is all set to join its partners in content at NWO Blogs, the best place for bloggers working on disseminating the propaganda and advancing the sinister machinations of the Reptoids and secret Illuminati cabals of the New World Order. We have a big year in front of us as we keep laying down the groundwork for the global takeover in December of 2012, and there’s going to be a steady stream of posts required to disinform and hypnotize the public into obediently complying with our subliminal orders. Using the prototype assembled from the plans laid out in my thesis project, the HypnoBlog initiative should really gain a lot of steam by late fall, getting us right where we want to be when it comes time to execute our schemes.

Since we’re talking about this blog’s links with NWO initiatives, it would only be fitting to acknowledge the help of the Men in Black in composing my posts about alien contact, alien invasions, and ancient astronauts, or as we generally refer to them, Monday morning, Thursday night, and the history books we stash in the hidden underground catacombs under the Library of Congress along with the DNA manipulating machines and vast tomes of extraterrestrial wisdom. I’d also like to thank Lord Draconis Zeneca of Glaxxon PharmaCOM Orbital for my posts on vaccination, posts such as this week’s discussion about vaccine refusers, requested by a higher up in the Reptoid hierarchy for which Glaxxon is a thriving front. With my busy schedule, it’s easy to skip an important topic and I certainly appreciate Lord Zeneca’s input as well as the lovely pet he sent me. I’m not quite sure what that pet is yet but it has six eyes on spiral, bony stalks, six limbs with large claws, and since it frequently belches deadly acid, it’s currently living in my dungeon until I and the significant other find out what we’re actually going to do with the horrifying thing. Last, but certainly not least, I’d also like to extend my thanks to the Illuminati appointed copyeditors who try to review every post that goes on Weird Things and offer me a wealth of tips, research materials, and advice. You guys and girls, and whatever those tentacled daemons are, are just the best, and I’m looking forward to our future work and biweekly orgies together.

Now you may ask why this is happening and how long it’s been going on if you missed the clues I’ve dropped since the beginning of last year when I wrote about the major disparity in income between skeptics and the famous promoters of woo we regularly rebuke, as well as the image chosen for my post about the variety of conspiracy theories nowadays, and my elaboration of how the military-industrial complex in the U.S. got to be the way it is today, which hinted at unspecified future need for well armed troops on the cutting edge of weapons technology. Of course I couldn’t elaborate on that, but then again, I don’t know everything on that end and it really wouldn’t be good practice to randomly guess in posts for public consumption. So what about the few posts I wrote about WikiLeaks’ aura of undeserved grandeur and Assange’s faux martyrdom, you may be wondering. Well, those were just my personal conclusions since WikiLeaks was an Illuminati operation in the first place, designed to foster chaos and mistrust in global politics, and lure certain nations to work with a shadowy cabal which would keep their secrets safe for a fee. Would love to say more because the whole plan as detailed in the handbook is actually quite ingenious and clever, but as you can probably guess, this sort of thing is kind of hush hush at the moment. Suffice it to say that bringing down well established governments is a long process and it takes a lot of subterfuge.

Speaking of global instability, it’s worth mentioning that the aftermath of the Great Recession has really been speeding it up nicely, and considering that it was just a bonus thrown in by Wall Street rather than a planned takedown like the dot com bubble, it’s actually saving us a whole lot of time and money. Thanks Bear Sterns, we owe you one. And while you’re still taking all this in, let me assure you that the switchover itself will be as seamless as it can be and you won’t have to change your bookmarks for the blog or the feed. Actually, since this domain name has a rather nice Google rank and gets a very decent amount of search traffic, we’re going to keep it as is. The only real change will happen behind the scenes as I transfer the multimedia files and the database over to the NWO server networks, and the switchover itself will be almost instant so again, no need to do anything on your end. After midnight tonight, this blog will continue as usual, so if we do everything right on our end, you will not notice anything different. Exactly as planned when negotiations for this project began. Stay tuned. The takeover won’t be televised, but it will certainly be hypno-blogged…

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Not all woo is created equal and not all of it is dangerous to the same extent. Homeopathy may be a waste of your hard earned money but the only way it can harm you is if you take it instead of real medicine for a serious condition, and even homeopaths will often say that you should use proper medication along with their potions and sugar pills, you know, to cover their tails if the authorities start asking questions. Curses and hexes won’t exactly put anyone in harm’s way all by themselves, and fluffy New Age woo about biocentrism only results in scientific illiteracy and sounding as if one is regurgitating pseudoscientific buzzword salad. But when it comes to bad ideas that do carry some serious danger with them, conspiracy theories have to be way up there on the list. Why? Their most fervent followers aren’t just a nuisance online, but they also run the risk of losing plenty of money to those who prey on their paranoia and fuel people with a really frail relationship with our world to do bizarre and even heinous things while undermining global peace and stability on all too many occasions.

Let’s get one important thing out of the way right now. There are very real conspiracies in our world and there’s always some sort of deal going on in a backroom because someone wants to make money on unrest or use some political dilemma in developing nations to grab valuable resources from a corrupt regime. This is how many of the world’s shadier characters make a living, characters like arms dealers and mob bosses, as well as naively optimistic conglomerates which think they can simply jam into a potential new market to make an easy buck if they just pay off the right people without realizing that they’ll be bled dry by the end. However, just because shady characters are trying to divvy up the world into their fiefdoms with very mixed success, proof of some elite international cabal running the world for centuries and orchestrating every election, war, and crisis doesn’t get any better. So while adherents of New World Order conspiracy theories drum on the evidence from real secret deals and conversations and say that since we have proof of real conspiracies around the world it would be naive not to believe their pet theory, they’re still wrong. If anything, the past few years have shown the exact opposite of what they claim. None of the world’s leaders can seem to agree on much of anything and in the supposed era of multinational interests and global cooperation, the only thing most nations worry about is their own pocketbooks and across the world, nationalist and isolationist trends are on the rise.

With the Great Recession, the world had a taste of what globalization and multilateral economic connections can entail on the other end of the economic scale and it seems that quite a few decided they’d rather bow out and go home. The same attitude seems to pervade the American Tea Party, and to some extent, they have a point about globalization as it’s played out now: that some of its biggest benefactors cheat and no one really seems to be able to bring them back in line. Remember that the global agencies powerless to put an end to Chinese currency manipulation are supposedly able to bend entire continents to their whims. Well, they don’t want to bring anyone back in line because this serves their goal, conspiracy theorists reply. But why would an immensely powerful cabal want to make people miserable when it could just keep them content and give the world enough slack to plod along while they do all their scheming in the background? Why saddle the planet with huge financial crises rather than slowly devalue the same assets over time and snap them up later? All a global economic blowout does is raise people’s suspicion and ire. If today’s supposedly infinitely wise cabals of rulers and bankers is even trying to control public opinion, they’re doing a horrible job. Any New World Order worth its salt would do far more on the public relations front end and keep the populace quiet and comfortable while it unfolds its plots over a longer period of time with better and less noticeable results.

Today’s events seem like a pretty clear indication that the world isn’t ruled by a single nefarious group, but by short-sighted disarray that has nations jokey for position in countless competitions for leverage and money. It really is a lot less dignified and organized than a single organization with global pull, the kind weaved from a collection of disparate quotes, tales, and events, then used as a coping mechanism with the word’s natural state of anarchy, especially now, during a major realigning of the world’s politics after the Cold War has faded from many nations’ memories and in the wake of the United States’ mounting national debts. But tumultuous times are often met with conspiracy theories to somehow give meaning to bad ideas or meaningless events. One popular conspiracy theory in South Korea says that the Cheonean, the South Korean warship sunk by an attack from North Korea, was actually destroyed by friendly fire from the American Navy and covered up by the nation’s militant administration. Conspiracy theories in the Arab world have people looking for nefarious plots by the Mossad in everything from tagged vultures to sharks near a beach. And in the United States, decades and decades of political discourse were dominated by conspiracy theories that rage to this day. In fact, the more fanatical Tea Party and libertarian rallies are warning their attendants of a looming crackdown by an evil government and urging them to stockpile gold, survival gear, and weapons.

And again, none of this is new. It’s an old American tradition when we get right down to it, and it’s how people sometimes channel their feelings of being trapped in a situation form which there’s no escape. They build an enemy for themselves (the government or the alien / Mason / Illuminati / banker cabal) and come up with a rather important purpose (surviving the coming crackdown by the evil enemy) to feel like they’re actually working for a noble goal and trying to prevent their enemy’s sinister schemes. And it’s all harmless fun until someone who has a very deep-seeded need to really do something to make a statement decides to turn this resistance and angry rhetoric into violent action or decides to mix it with religion or pseudoscience and create groups we fear because of their propensity for both advocating and carrying out violence. Ironically, however, because we find ourselves demanding that our government protects us from secretive and violent groups, we might well be fueling even more conspiracy theorists and even more mentally unstable or violent people going off to join an ever growing variety of groups based around conspiracy theories gone too far…

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If you’re interested in space in any way, shape or form, you’ve probably heard of the hexagon on Saturn, a very odd phenomena in which storm clouds swirling around the planet’s north pole are arranged in a very neat, six sided formation. Ok, it’s pretty and there are a lot of complex fluid dynamics involved in making storms line up in a hexagon but hey, weather on gas giants is really bizarre in the first place. Other than the odd shape, what could be so special about these clouds? Well, according our favorite self-appointed guru of all things natural and unnatural, Mike Adams, not only does the hexagon on Saturn bear the manifestation of the All Seeing Eye, it’s also persuasive proof of intelligent design in the universe around us. To say that the woo is strong with our airheaded New Age crusader would be an understatement, especially after seeing how his train of what I quite honestly hesitate to call thought unfolds into an exercise in pseudoscientific and spiritual pareidolia.

First, let’s establish the facts of the matter. The figures regarding the hexagon on Saturn are correct and it’s an immense structure about 15,000 miles across and 60 miles thick. If it were placed on our world, it would start at ground level and end somewhere around the Karman line, the recognized beginning of space. Almost four Earths could float on the hexagon’s surface and the cyclone’s gusts can reach about 300 miles per hour. It’s a very powerful and complex storm, but scientists have been able to replicate how it could form a hexagon, as well as a variety of other shapes in the lab by simulating the dynamics which affect gas giants with very thick atmospheres. It all comes down to the difference in the rotational speeds of different storm belts and with the right conditions, you can not only get hexagons but triangles, ovals and septagons too. Cool? Absolutely! The kind of miracle that could only be indicative of supernatural design? Not in the slightest. But of course, it’s not just the hexagon that has Mike’s attention, but something even stranger…

Inside the hexagon there’s a three-sided pyramid shape. It appears quite clearly as a triangle set against the background of the hexagon. Imagine a pyramid placed on top of the hexagon and you’ll see it. There’s even more: Inside the pyramid is the shape of the all-seeing eye. You can clearly see it in the center of the pyramid shape, which is inside the hexagon. Do you recognize this all- seeing eye with the pyramid? If not, just whip out a dollar bill from your pocket and glance at the back. There it is! Yes, your U.S. currency contains the exact same image.

Wow. Did he really just connect the hexagon on Saturn to the Great Seal of the United States? Hold on, let me get out my conspiracy bingo card and start playing Six Degrees of Illuminati. Since when has a triangle been a pyramid? Sure, there are three sided pyramids but they look very different from the kind of pyramid Mike has in mind. All he did was declare that a triangle shape he sees when he squints his eyes is a pyramid and that it’s an accurate representation of the Great Seal. Even if there was a triangle on Saturn, we already have a clue of how it would’ve formed and we know that not every single triangle has something to do with conspiracy fodder for a crank with a mind that’s so open, his brain is teetering on the verge of falling out completely.

So far, I have not presented anything other than what is evident. There is a spinning hexagon of clouds on Saturn’s north pole. Inside the hexagon is a triangle (pyramid). Inside the triangle are two concentric circles that look a lot like a human eye. This shape looks a lot like the pyramid with the all-seeing eye on the back of the U.S. dollar. Notice I haven’t mentioned anything about any conspiracy, or aliens, or anything of that kind. These are just observations of the world around us.

Ah yes, the good old just-asking-questions method, the conspiracy theorist’s equivalent of saying that he’s not hiding anything up his sleeve. Of course this is nonsense. Mike hasn’t met a conspiracy theory with which he hasn’t fallen in love, be it 9/11 Truthism, or cold fusion suppression. He’s putting on his tinfoil hat while telling us that he’s just putting on his regular old cap to take a jog around the Ecuadorian jungle. Few of the things he said are evident since he’s been telling you what you can see, where and how along the way. This is a known tactic in persuasion and it’s used with great success because human brains like to seek patterns and when a certain caption is placed under the right image, it makes our eyes much more prone to recognize patterns that just aren’t there. Every scientific investigator knows this happens, but then again, when confronted with actual science, Mike tends to throw temper tantrums like a spoiled brat and pound himself on the chest.

From this point in the article, he goes off on vague, pseudoscientific tangents, hinting that the hexagon on the gas giant could be anything from aliens to a deity while adamantly insisting that he’s not saying that any of it is true in any way, shape or form. The only people he’s deceiving with this are his loyal fans who believe anything he says, just as long as he indulges their New Age woo-isms in the process, and himself. He’s not as vague, cunning or insightful as he fancies himself to be. Instead, he’s just a clumsy conspiracy monger who sells the modern day equivalent of snake oil and imagines himself a counter-culture visionary. If he really wanted to try his hand at presenting something interesting to his readers, he would’ve read the scientific explanation for the hexagon rather than stare at pictures until he saw seals, triangles and circles. And if he really didn’t know why there’s a hexagon on Saturn, doesn’t want to consult the experts on the matter, and isn’t saying anything about it, why did he write an article? Just to waste some more bandwidth with his version of whale.to?

[ illustration by Wear Controversy, story tip by Pierce Butler ]

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For those keeping count of anti-vaccination activists, add another name to your list: conspiracy theorist David Icke. Now, the former soccer player and sports commentator doesn’t oppose vaccines because he believes they’re responsible for autism or because he’s afraid of the unidentified toxins they’re rumored to contain. His reason to deter people from getting the new H1N1 vaccine is to foil the evil plot created by hybrid alien lizards controlling our planet to cull our numbers and perform large scale biomedical experiments as he explains in a recently made video. Yes folks, we’re going really deep into tin foil hat territory here since as you may have guessed already, David Icke is absolutely, undeniably barking mad, even by conspiracy theorist standards.

paranoia

We know that there really are conspiracies out there and groups of wealthy and powerful people do organize for the protection and advancement of their agendas. While most of their plots never really pan out or end up being little more than organized kickbacks to lawmakers to protect their profit margins, at least political plots that involve banks, defense contractors or politicians are somewhat plausible. An ancient bloodline of bizarre alien lizard people controlling the planet from the shadows? Not so much. Of all the schemes Icke could’ve cooked up, he choose the extraterrestrial route to hold together all the disparate conspiracies of which he’s a believer. And now, he’s opening a can of hysterical worms, littering his site with 30 pt. font headlines about how evil flu vaccines are the first step to a global police state.

Vehement Australian anti-vaxer Meryl Dorey who also seems to believe that vaccines are just a conspiracy to kill and poison kids for profit, posted an abbreviated version of Icke’s paranoid screeds on the blog of her official anti-vax group last month. Other conspiracy theorists have been abuzz with rumors of H1N1 being an attack carried out by the New World Order to reduce human headcount and raised panicked cries about a then non-existent vaccine. Of course all of their arguments require changes in biology, economics, politics and history to have any validity to them, but when did little things like facts stop die hard conspiracy theorists operating under absolute assurance that they were the lone visionaries among the masses of uneducated, ignorant sheeple? Being a conspiracy klaxon is a natural high, one that’s hard to give up.

When it comes to Icke, he seems to believe that vaccines are basically intended to undermine normal health, somehow giving the aforementioned alien lizards sway over us. Supposedly vaccines “upset the balance” of chemical and electrical signals in our bodies, leaving us more susceptible to disease and whatever the alien overlords can manufacture in their labs. Note that New Age concept of some undefined balance being at the root of our health. Haven’t we been using germ theory instead, with great success for the past century or so? And what about the fact that far from injecting defenseless infants with a mixture of toxic gunk, vaccines coach the immune system and elicit a more active response in fending off diseases? Has Icke or any of the anti-vax conspiracists ever bothered to sit through a health class?

Finally, here’s a thought that’s been bugging me after reading the breathless gasping about totalitarian police states forcing people to have vaccinations so they can fulfill their evil plans. If there really was such a powerful group at work in our world, why would there be any anti-vax sites or activists? Why would parents even have a choice whether to vaccinate their kids or not? Removing people’s freedoms and choices is what makes those totalitarian police states what they are. Tyranny doesn’t allow dissent. Rather than watch the game of rhetorical ping pong between anti-vaxers and skeptics, a police state would simply shut down all debate and silence all the Meryl Doreys and Jenny McCarthys and J.B. Handleys and David Ickes. We wouldn’t even know they exist, much less have to argue with them about basic medicine.

[ illustration by Sven Prim ]

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In today’s segment of news the New World Order wants to suppress if not for the power of the internet, we turn back to conspiracy websites which have informed us that swine flu is actually a biological weapon which will be used to help control the populace in due time. Apparently this current virus strain was developed in a lab as a mixture of bird, swine and human influenzas because the sort of cross-species jump we’re seeing today is just not possible in nature. And the same goes for the SARS outbreak of 2002/2003.

battle suit

There’s a little snag in this theory though. It just so happens that influenza can and will jump between species living in close quarters, having done this many times in human history. Just like all viruses, influenza strains mutate very quickly and very often, eventually creating the right combination of surface proteins to lock onto a new host from a different species. The flu strain thought to have caused the 1918 pandemic was theorized to have spread from birds to domesticated swine to humans though some experts think it migrated directly from birds as an avian H1N1 subtype.

So what’s more likely to have happened? A virus with a track record of jumping from species to species took on a new form and surprised us, or a sinister government lab with billions of dollars in funding manufactured a bio-weapon for some purpose known only to them and conspiracy theorists?

Here’s another curious little factoid. The previous story about a dangerous swine flu vaccine that doesn’t yet exist and the tales of SARS as a top secret weapon that escaped the lab both got their launch from the same site; the Centre for Research on Globalization, a clearinghouse for New World Order conspiracy theories. Isn’t it odd how every crisis, problem and global scare seems to be part of a nefarious plot by faceless villains?

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