and now a few (uncensored) words about climate change

With the planet still heating up while politicians are either twiddling their thumbs or actively making things worse, prepare for conversations about climate change to have a very different tone.

forest fire

Since we’ve done rather little to address the enormous amounts of pollution we unleash on the world every year, the mass die off of insect species, try to prevent the millions of deaths we can expect from the side effects of global warming in the next three decades, and are doing little to tackle the impact of growing the meat and vegetables we eat with modern industrial farming in any meaningful way, the levels of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere have climbed past 415 ppm. Now, that might not sound like much, but it’s the highest levels seen on Earth for the last 3 million years, which is a bit of a problem if we note that in the past, it took carbon dioxide tens of thousands of years to accumulate, and today it took just shy of a century, a thousand times faster than during the Permian extinction that nearly sterilized the planet.

Climate scientists and science communicators trying to explain just how bad this really is have voiced their desire to start swearing when talking about these issues, and thanks to John Oliver, Bill Nye The Science Guy finally caved in and lived their dream. And since civility died sometime in the last few years, it seems that the only thing people respond to nowadays is anger, and I’m the one running this site anyway, please allow me the indulgence of doing the same because a decade of looking at worsening and worsening reports of how we’re slowly but surely screwing ourselves over and writing dire warnings about it is doing fuck all. At this point you just have to dispense with the niceties and start asking what in Cthulhu’s used, salty jockstrap is wrong with the people who insist on doing the equivalent of steering us into oncoming traffic.

Do they think they’re Egyptian pharaohs who get to take the money they looted by befouling the planet for their children and grandchildren — while severely fucking them over again and again — into the afterlife? And if they think they’re going to be missed, they’re in for a rude surprise. After the way quite a few of them have been behaving, they better opt for cremation, otherwise there’s going to be a line to piss on their graves stretching far enough to financially support an entire ecosystem of food trucks and port-a-john vendors. Flooding cities, failing crops, more severe storms, longer droughts, widespread wildfires, and the wars and mass migrations caused by them, these “skeptics” won’t see all of it, but those they’ll be leaving behind by the time we run out of carbon sinks sure as shit will, and will be forced to cover the multi-trillion dollar bill for the consequences.

Of course, I’m not sure how they’ll do that because, as noted above, the dead selfish assholes would’ve stolen most of the money they’d need before kicking the bucket while flipping both their middle fingers and howling “fuck you kids!” on their way six feet under. And if you think I’m exaggerating, just consider that Republican politicians paid by coal lobbyists are spending their own constituents’ money trying to outlaw wildly popular green energy projects. To reiterate, they’re not swooping in to save Real Americaâ„¢ from the evil Antifa who occupied state legislatures and city councils to unleash a reign of terror consisting of less pollution, renewable energy, and green jobs. They’re telling their own voters, who wanted these projects to clean up their air, water, and boost local economies “no, we’ll be shoving coal down your throat until you shit diamonds.” This isn’t just ignorance, this is intentional, malicious sabotage.

The same soulless infected hemorrhoids dangling from the American body politic now want to explain why air pollution is not bad for us despite the only scientific disagreement on the subject consists of exactly how much cancer breathing factory fumes gives you — a lot or all of it. An incoming EPA adviser to the Trump administration is even telling us that our air is too clean as if this is something a sane human being says after seeing the clouds of black smoke belch from an industrial exhaust pipe, instead of an absurdity vomited forth by a brain dead animatronic puppet powered by manure. And since we mentioned the living orange avatar of the worst America has to offer, The Donald, his view on the environment is that “we can leave a little bit,” but it should be relegated to business.

Hear that America? Your president thinks you just need a little bit of air that doesn’t turn your lungs to tumors, water literally full of shit and toxic waste, and maybe one or two parks that won’t require a fucking hazmat suit in which to wander around. Isn’t that so nice of him according to the crowds of paranoid, sycophantic zombies he assembles at his rallies? We can offer a hundred solutions to help clean up the planet, many with detailed plans, and many possible to execute at a profit and providing a global economic boost. But wouldn’t you know it, every single one of them is “a socialist ploy by pedophile Illuminati MS-13 Marxist Sharia terror cells to enslave America under a Jew World Order and UN-ran totalitarian rule!” because of course that is also what a sane person would think on the subject.

That’s their response to every idea to fix obvious, glaring, festering problems. Everything they don’t like is a Marxist conspiracy to enslave them, possibly due to super-gluing their eyes to a channel whose only mission today is to convince them that their children and anyone to the left of Ook, the caveman other conservative cavemen find too backwards and bigoted to include at family gatherings, are trafficking children for Satanic sex rituals in pizzerias across America and want their guns to speed up #WhiteGenocide. But in fairness, that makes perfect sense. Why listen to scientists when you can huff the verbal diarrhea of hysterical trolls like Ben Shapiro, the GOP’s version of the Cash Me Outside Girl, with a similar career trajectory and origins?

Why get along with future generations or try to help them build a better world when you can just shit on them repeatedly and piss napalm and gasoline on the planet they’ll inherit? Why not approach life with the attitude of “not my fucking problem” and then foaming at mouth with rage when, as predicted, the thing you ignored becomes everyone’s fucking problem? Why actually listen to people who can define what a carbon sink is and explain how they work when you can just shut your ears and projectile vomit a string of random buzzwords, conspiracies, and lies the right wing thinks pass for an appropriate, cogent argument? Why reflect on and take responsibility for your actions when there’s always someone younger, browner, or more foreign-looking to blame?

Ultimately, however, like a spoiled hot dog, the people in question will pass. And unless they manage to find a pair of forceps big and strong enough to pull their heads out of their lower descending colons, they’ll leave behind the equivalent of a hoarder’s mansion, covered in trash, cat whiz, mold so old that it’s developing a civilization capable of space travel, and a will which is just a radioactive picture of their saggy asses mooning us. And after we spend decades cleaning up the mountains of garbage they left behind, we’re not going to sit down an reminisce about the good old times we spent with them. We’ll be breathing a sigh of relief that finally, at long last, these parasites can’t fuck things up for us anymore.

This is the putrid legacy the “climate skeptics” and the political conspiracy theorists who love them are cementing for themselves every day as they mainline the Fox News Bircher White Power Hour and spoil the holidays by doing their best impression of a rabid Khrushchev at the UN, screaming what’s left of their minds out about Antifa Cultural Marxist super-soldiers who want to kill America as we know it by not acting like the 1950s were an idyllic time just because we had cream soda and segregation. And if they’re offended by this, I refer them to the words of their generation. Fuck your feelings snowflakes.

# science // climate change / global warming / partisan politics


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