what your doctor doesn’t want you to know

The Onion blows a conspiracy to hide the cure for the common cold wide open.
doctor in office

Your doctor is keeping something from you. When you come in with a runny nose and body aches from minor infections, you’re being denied the cure for common cold and other rhinoviruses which can seem as intense as the flu if they’re a particularly virulent strain. Nothing personal mind you, it’s just business. The kind of evil, unethical business conspiracy that could only be properly tackled by the crack reporters at The Onion after an arduous investigation into kickbacks from the powerful Rest and Fluids industry which has a stranglehold on the treatment of all minor diseases, suppressing all cures and research, blacklisting any doctor who dares to defy them. As you can see, your doctor simply has no choice but to tell you to relax and get plenty of fluids…

Quietly but with fierce determination, Big Rest and Fluids has been making billions on the sale of warm and fuzzy blankets, plush recliners, comfortable couches, soft beds and a wide variety of canned soups, teas and ginger ale. Knowing full well that their products will be in need every cold and flu season, they’re out to protect their valuable business model by making sure that doctors won’t be able to prescribe quick and easy cures which have been withheld from the public through bribes, political connections and aggressive lobbying…

The investigation — the full details of which will be disclosed in this newspaper over the coming months — documented thousands of instances in which sick patients were repeatedly instructed, often verbatim, to “lie down and drink plenty of liquids.” The treatment, recommended a staggering 4 out of 5 times on average, was in each case prescribed by a physician known to have recently enjoyed a golf vacation courtesy of Big Rest and Fluids.

“You have no idea how deep this goes,” said Dr. X, a doctor who wished to remain anonymous. “They’ve got everyone, from the pediatricians and family doctors, right on down to school nurses. We’ve had the cure for the common cold for nearly 40 years, but it’s still ‘rest and fluids, rest and fluids.’ Why? Because these guys are getting paid through the nose, that’s why.” […]

“At this point, it may be impossible to unseat the power Rest and Fluids has over the American health system,” patients rights activist Oren Michem said. “With their promises of free La-Z-Boy chairs and high-priced hotel rooms, it’s no wonder they’ve cornered the cold market. They never come out and ask, ‘Can Rest and Fluids count on your loyalty?’ But the intention is obvious.”

It’s no use trying to discuss this with your doctor. This thing goes so far up, even those physicians who aren’t just rest and fluid shills and actually want to treat patients with all the tools they have at hand, aren’t allowed to do so. They’re simply denied access or blacklisted and persecuted should they dig too deep. How can you be sure? Has your doctor ever offered you a cure for the common cold? Has he or she ever deny it exists or try to elaborately explain how the countless variations in the rhinoviruses that cause it make attempts to develop an effective cure beyond our current technology? Well there you go. These are tactics straight from Big Rest and Fluids propaganda distributed at posh resorts where doctors are worked over by their smiling reps.

Stay tuned for a forthcoming report on how Big Rest and Fluids has been tampering with vaccines to infect an uninformed, trusting populace which succumbs to minor diseases and increases their profits every year. And while checking on the story, I’ve received word from confidential but well placed sources that some of the Rest and Fluids tampering is done for bizarre biomedical experiments which seem to hint at some insidious New World Order conspiracy. Also, the organization’s board of directors could be run by Illuminati interests as was covered by David Icke in his research into international vaccination programs. Are you sufficiently terrified yet and ready to buy my upcoming book on the subject or request my list of doctors operating in defiance of Rest and Fluids out of their commitment to patient care and open-mindedness? Because if you’re not, you should keep re-reading this post until you are…

# oddities // conspiracy / health / humor / satire


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