you can’t compare sex partners when you only have one

When last we left Pat Fagan, he was aghast that premarital sex was legal and demanding that a country in which more than nine in ten adults had sex before marriage punish all the fornicating sinners lest society fail. As you probably won’t be surprised to find out, his delusion is so strong that he’s proclaiming momogamous, one-partner fundamentalist Christian couples to be masters of all things sexual in the same manner as a certain Fox News contributor decided that losing his virginity in a honeymoon suite made him a sexual and relationship black belt.

Now, unlike almost every argument in his verbal assault on premarital sex, Fagan actually managed to cobble what seem like real numbers and real data to add an undertone of possible sanity under his claims of fundamentalist couples getting the best of porn stars in bed. You see, according to a survey of adult sexual habits, some 88% of married couples say they enjoy their sex lives, which is a 22% gain over divorced couples and a 14% advantage over singles. Unfortunately for Fagan though, these numbers are exceedingly unlikely to mean what he thinks they mean.

Basically, his thesis is that couples who had no other partners besides each other to compare a sexual relationship’s overall quality, are happy because they can’t make those comparisons. But that’s kind of like saying that Weird Things is the best blog on the web because Weird Things is the only blog you’ve ever read. Or that Taco Bell is the best Mexican food in the world because that’s the only Mexican food you’ll ever try. How do you explain how ridiculous this is to a man who says this out loud and actually means it?

At least we could take a crack on why he says this based on the horror-fantasies religious fundamentalists have about sex in the secular world. You see, they seem to assume that secularists have sex all the time. Life, outside of work and family, is just a big orgy for us with no complications, feelings, or attachments because we don’t care to emotionally support each other and if something goes wrong, we can just turn to antibiotics and have an abortion since the evils of modern science have enabled this kind of terrifying life away from Godly consequences to exist, and we secularists bask in the resultant debauchery.

Of course when you think that non-fundamentalists are living a life somewhat along these lines you’re going to assume that they spend every other sexual experience comparing it to the last, and rating partners on some sort of complicated scale. In reality, premarital sex is kind of a test drive for many couples, and after establishing general compatibility and tying the knot, of course they’ll report being happier than singles or divorcees. They’re having sex with someone able to satisfy them and had time to learn what they want and what they need. By contrast, singles are just trying to find the person to push all their buttons and divorcees are still dealing with a fallout from their last marriage and getting back into the game.

This explains Fagan’s numbers far, far more plausibly than first-timers in sex and marriage being zapped with divine prowess in bed, so much so that they can give adults with many years of relationship and sexual experience under their belts a run for their money. I still have no explanation for what compels Fagan to open his mouth and say the things he does, but then again, I think I never will…